Sigh.

15 million people in this Godforsaken city , and I'm still alone. SAD has come early this year. Every September I've spent here was bad. Bit this was the biggest, baddest, blow-your-house-down mother of a bad one. I've been cursed with bad Septembers, I suppose. What really hurts is that I've just realized my fucked up situation. No life, nothing worth living for (in this country at least), and totally,undeniably alone. I just thank God the days pass as fast as they do. It isn't a countdown to go to Australia anymore, it's a countdown to fucking finish my degree in this unbelieveably backward society, and haul my ass out of this frozen block of crap. For instance, take this. I bought a whole box of stock cubes, 36 pieces , right? And how did the cashier scan it on the register (its a miracle they have scanners!) ? She scanned the box 36 times. 36 times. What does that tell you ? But whats got me is what happened today morning. I just got the whole situation, perfectly understood. No buts, no nothing. and thats what hurts. Yeah. Conan couldn't go through this kinda shit and come out alive. Judge Dredd woulda put a bullet in his own head. Superman woulda taken a Kryptonite milkshake. Me? Do i have a fuckin choice? Soldier on.And take everyone else who gets in my way down with me. I'm a ticking timebomb. A live wire without a shield. The milivolt of electricity that could stop your heart dead. I am the picture of self contained misery. They don't sell bottles like these, they don't. Misery in a bottle. Get em' while they're hot. Fuck no. So it's a lie then. Probably what I'm living.

"but i'll keep trying,

yeah i'll keep trying ,

to make you mine,

i hope you're buyin

i hope you're buyin'

all of my lines"

from Ugly Kid Joe's "I'll Keep Trying". Probably what's gonna drive me for the next few years.Jesus,we fuckin hope it does. Now all I need is some weed. Or a huge shitload of cash. Tuesday's gone , baby, she's outta the building.